How to Create
Your Own
Country
by Oscar Harding,
4th form
A
re you sick of the recession?
Sick of Brown and every
other Scottish colour that
invades our national
complexion? Tired of chavs
and emos and football louts?
Want people to do what you say, without being
arrested for assault? Then why don't you form
your own country?
First off, get citizens for your grand democracy /
communist nation / oligarchy / fascist regime,
or there'll be no-one to order around! To
officially be recognised as a country, or at least
noticed by someone, you need to have at least
ten thousand people willing to join your
country.
Then, once you have found enough citizens,
you must find a plot of land, be it your onebedroom
flat or a small island in the near
vicinity of Mauritius. If you're going to have
ten thousand people living around you, it might
help to look at building some houses for them
to live in - you know, basic human rights and
all that. So apply for planning permission, and
if the almost certain reply is "No, you're off
your rocker!", then forget them and build
houses once you are on the council (of your
own country, obviously).
After you've acquired land, you need to think of
what to do before Tesco asks to invade your
country with stores. How will you grow food?
Yes, you could go down to Morrison's with your
national budget and buy ten thousand cans of
beans for everyone, but where's the fun in
that? Why not grow your own beans, then put
them in cans? Maybe a regional allotment isn't
the best idea in your flat, but the island may
give you that sort of room.
Next up, national pride … Where is it - down
the cleaners? Then you need a national
anthem, and a flag! Now, unless your loyal
people can face the might of copyright laws,
it's best not to nick what's No 1 in the charts
and call it yours. No, why not write your own
anthem? It might be a bit hard if your
neighbours aren't Elton John and David Byrne,
but you can write it, and as ruler of your fair
and pleasant, why do you care what your
citizens think about it? Then there's your flag
… You can't just crudely scribble your face onto
your Nan's old lace hankie! Well, you could,
but that would look pretty stupid. Instead, buy
the finest material money (or a fiver) can buy,
and Photoshop your face onto a one-colour /
striped background of your choice. There's your
flag.
Now, before you put your country forward to
the known world, it might help if it had a
name! Now, at a diplomatic crossroads, are
you going to take the route of naming it
something like 'Freedonia' or 'Islandland'?
Or, if you like, be all tyrant about it and call it
after yourself, e.g. 'The People's Republic of
Billy-bob' or 'Oscarland'. How about letting
your idiotic citizens vote on it? You never
know, a name might stick!
Then finally, go to the United Nations. You
could be sensible, and patiently wait, living off
instant coffee and sickly-sweet biscuits and
finally get turned down due to lack of territory.
Or, if you're an utter moron, you could write
your country's name on a bit of cardboard and
smuggle a little desk and folding chair into the
assembly hall. Of course, you will probably get
thrown out. In that case, throw diplomacy to
the winds and do your underpants dance in
front of the President of Malaysia. At least
you'll end up on the news.
Actually, unless you get really bored, don't
bother. Besides, it's a waste of time and the
world is screwed up enough without your
crummy little country trying to escape the
Chiswick gum maintenance tax.
Aluredian
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