Dear Uncle Bourne,
A friend told me that you were not a real
agony aunt, but you just made up letters
from easy targets, people you have a
grudge against or 'friends' you like to mock.
He also said you were not an individual
person but an amalgam of different writers.
Another friend dismissed you as a fictional
character (like Santa Claus). As I have real
issues that need solutions, please reassure
me that you are real.
Yours,
A Confused and Bewildered Third Former
Dear Confused and Bewildered
Third Former,
Please be assured. I am not a fictional
character, but I am in some ways like that
jolly gentleman from the North Pole: I do
have a ruddy countenance, am generous
and giving (of advice), and have a very
large postbag to contend with. Tell your
friend he is very naughty and won't be
getting any presents. In fact, I may be
consulting my solicitor.
Yours,
Uncle Bourne
PS: If I had any friends I certainly wouldn't
hold them up to ridicule, but cherish them.
Aluredian
45
Uncle
Bourne's
contributions
to Pelican
Brief appear
by kind
arrangement
with Rob
Seabourne
Two satirical contributions from the online
school magazine Pelican Brief; a critical
appreciation of George W Bush, and an
example of the writings of the school agony
aunt, Uncle Bourne …
getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, May 11th, 2001
He started the war in Iraq in 2003 on the
basis that Saddam Hussein had weapons of
mass destruction.
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein
because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the
history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness
to terrorise himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, January 29th, 2003
In 2004 he said everything was fine and they
had won. This was a lie.
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job
is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, September 6th,
2006
"I'll be long gone before some smart person
ever figures out what happened inside this Oval
Office."
Washington DC, May 12th, 2008