Aluredian 45
The first signs of madness
by Hugo Dunn
This play was first performed at the English Society Evening
Every Inch a King? in the College Chapel in July 2012 with the
following cast:
Man: Hugo Dunn
Consciousness: Oliver Dunn
White Coat Man: Katie Blowers
White Coat Man Consciousness: Melissa McFarlane
Man: Balderdash, look at this on my hand.
Consciousness: What? Don't you mean on our hand?
Man: It's definitely my hand.
Consciousness: May I enquire as to what is on the hand?
Man: No!
Consciousness: I don't care; I know it like the back of my
hand anyway.
Man: No, no, no, you're being stupid, you don't
even have a hand, you share my hand.
Consciousness: Don't lecture me about the hand. I control
the hand.
Consciousness moves the hand up and down
Man: Stop that!
Consciousness: What?
Man: Moving the hand! The hand is mine.
Consciousness: Well, how about a deal. I'll stop moving the
hand if you tell me what the problem is with
the hand.
Man: Sighs. The hand stops moving. Look here
on the palm of my hand, look very, very
closely.
The man moves his hand closer and closer
to his face to allow his consciousness to
see. His hand suddenly hits him in the nose.
Ouch!
Consciousness: (Laughs) Oh my word I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
simply couldn't resist.
Man: Stop being so ridiculous. Can you not see
what's on the hand?
Consciousness: Is that a hair? A hair? On the palm of your
hand? (Laughs) You know what they say!
Man: No I don't.
Consciousness: Yes you do.
Man: No I don't!
Consciousness: No you don't.
Man: Yes I do … they say that the first sign of
madness is talking to yourself - that's what
they say.
Consciousness: Aha! That's right. Yes that's exactly right!
Man: (Slowly as if thinking) Yes it is. But hang on,
am I talking to myself now?
Consciousness: Yes you are.
Long pause.
Are you still there? Pause.
Man: I'm sorry; I'm not talking to you.
Consciousness: Oh come on. Pause. Is this because you
think you're mad?
Man: It's nothing to do with me being mad. You
said the first sign of madness was having
hairs on your hand.
Consciousness: Aha! I knew I could get you to talk to me!
Man: You mean talk to myself.
Consciousness: Yes, it's the first sign of madness you know.
Man: I knew it! Now I really won't talk to you any
more. We have to take a vow of silence.
Consciousness: You're insane.
Man: Well I will be if I continue talking to you. Oh
for goodness sake! I'm doing it again.
There is a knock at the door
Consciousness: Well go on, go and answer it.
The man goes to answer the door, he finds a
man standing in a white coat.
Man: Hello. Can I help?
White Coat Man: Yes. I recently got a phone call from a fellow
called He looks down at a clipboard in front
of him 'Conscience'.
Man: Ah yes, I know him.
White Coat Man: Yes, he said that you have been showing
some typical signs of madness. May I see
your hand?
Man: No!
Consciousness: Oh come on! Show him the hand!
Consciousness moves the hand close
towards White Coat Man's eyes, the better to
see.
Bop!
Consciousness knocks the man on the nose
with the palm of his hand.
White Coat Man: Ouch! Why on earth did you do that?
Consciousness: Laughs
Man: I promise it wasn't me! It was my
conscience!
White Coat Man: Hmm, yes. Jots something down on a form
on his clipboard. Sir. I'm going to have to
take you away to the local asylum; you're
showing the first sign of madness.
Man: The first sign of madness? What's that?
White Coat Man: Having hairs on the palm of your hand.
White Coat Man
Consciousness: No it's not, it's talking to yourself.
White Coat Man: Ah yes, that's right. Pause. Hang on!
White Coat Man Good afternoon gentlemen. I'm afraid I
Consciousness: have diagnosed all of you with madness.
There's a van waiting outside.
White Coat Man: Right you are. Walks outside.
Man: Hey! Where are you going?
White Coat Man: Oh I am sorry. My consciousness has
diagnosed us as having madness. Shall we
go?
Man: No!
Consciousness: Oh, get a move on!
The man stumbles out of the front door as if
he has been pushed.